January 30, 2014
Now that the Steelers are officially in the play offs, there is actually serious discussion among some sportscasters and so-called pundits that we are not going to garner our 7th Super Bowl ring. I assure you, this is a complete delusion. While the regular season has its ups and downs, it will become obvious that no one even belongs on the field with the Steelers. With Ben Rothlisberger at quarterback, Le’Veon Bell (We pray his knee is OK) as our running back and receivers such as Antonio Brown and Heath Miller; how can anyone think that some quiche-eating, blueberry-latte-sucking Puritans like the New England Patriots have a chance? Or the Dallas Cowboys. Tony Romo? Are you serious? You would think these people would have learned their place in the 1970’s. But then again, what do you expect from a team whose fan base is depicted in evolutionary textbooks as falling between Java Man and Neanderthals. In fact, archeologists routinely find Dallas Cowboy paraphernalia amidst stone chisels, fertility statues and spear points during their expeditions.
We Steeler fans prefer hard-hitting, rough-and-tumble football. We are perplexed by this new interest in concussions. It has always seemed obvious to us that running into Brett Keisel or Troy Polamalu can result in head injuries. Furthermore, if you chose to run into these guys, you are obviously not that bright to start with. Nonetheless, we are trying to adapt to modern trends and applaud the efforts of the NFL to establish base line intelligence tests on the players so that concussions can be properly assessed.
However, we are concerned. What happens if a Baltimore Raven has a concussion? Obviously, he can’t possibly score any lower on the baseline intelligence test; thus, it will be difficult for the neurologist to render the poor Raven proper care. We believe more research is needed in this area. Perhaps special tests could be developed for the Ravens: counting to 10 or reciting the alphabet up to the letter P – although that might be pushing it. There is an unfair stereotype that we Steeler fans are obnoxious. It’s not true. We are actually quite caring and sensitive.
Notice how there are hardly any domestic violence issues with the Steelers. You may think this is because we members of Steeler Nation hold our heroes to the highest standards of behavior because we read Simone de Beauvoir, Camille Paglia and Germaine Greer. But you would be mistaken. The real reason is that that no guy in the right mind would mess with a Steeler woman. If it weren’t for the NFL’s antiquated sexist rules, our entire offensive line would consist of Steeler women. Had Ray Rice bothered a Steeler woman in an elevator, the grainy video would have shown him being dragged out of the elevator by his gaudy diamond stud earrings.
Just because we love our Steelers, it doesn’t mean we do not make polite suggestions if we are unhappy with their performance. Our secondary has had some issues this year – such as leaving opposing receivers so wide open that even the unintentionally hilarious New York Jets could complete a pass against us. How ignominious is this? Thus, some of my high school buddies and I were granted an audience with defensive coordinator Mr. Dick LeBeau. I suggested that he draft my Aunt Lucy. Mr. LeBeau was somewhat skeptical pointing out that Aunt Lucy is 88 years old, suffers from advanced macular degeneration and “runs” the 40-yard dash in 73.6 seconds – 64.3 seconds with her walker. I replied that she couldn’t possibly be burned more frequently than the Steeler secondary was against the Jets. This ended the argument and Mr. LeBeau assured us that this will not be a problem in the playoffs.
We Steeler fans will be prepared for the game. There will be extra kegs of beer on ice, fat-laden kielbasa along with nachos dripping with cheddar cheese, bear meat and venison from our recent hunting expeditions. You Patriot fans can get out the Pinot Grigio, camembert and Triscuits. I also would suggest putting The West Wing in your Netflix queue or dusting off your Rachel Maddox Highlights DVD’s. You Cowboy fans may want to put The Dukes of Hazard in your queue, or simply stare at the blank screen, which should be sufficiently stimulating for even the most erudite Cowboy fan. If you insist on watching the entire game though, pick up some Prozac early.
There is an outside chance we could lose. Ben Rothlisberger may be abducted by aliens. An asteroid may hit Brett Keisel. But baring these unlikely events, prepare for the inevitable.