Hah! Take that you climate-deniers! The global warming caused by President Trump has been stopped dead in its tracks. President Biden took bold action, ending the Keystone Pipe Line, reentering the Paris Climate Agreement and banning oil and gas exploration on federal lands and – Voila! – not only is there a record cold wave; but a cold wave that is selectively punishing yahoo climate-denying, fossil-fuel-guzzling states like Texas, Oklahoma and Kansas. It’s not nice to mess with Mother Nature. But how did this happen so quickly?
Seeking answers, I decided to contact an expert. Fortunately for me, my old girlfriend from medical school (who wisely dumped me) married renowned climate change expert, Stanford professor, Dr. Enrico Pantheistelli. Since Marcia and I still remain friends, she was kind enough to arrange a Zoom interview with her husband. What follows is a slightly edited transcript of our discussion.
Me: “Dr. Pantheistelli. So kind of you to speak to me.”
Dr. Pantheistelli: “My pleasure Joe.”
Me: “Listen, can you explain how global warming stopped since Joe Biden became president. It seems to me that it would take a longer time period to decrease the greenhouse gases than the three weeks he has been in office.
Dr. Pantheistelli: “You’re correct Joe. And actually, the contribution greenhouse gases are overrated. For example, do you know what the concentration of the main greenhouse gas carbon dioxide is?”
Me: “Must be a lot. And rising rapidly. I hear we only have ten years to get it under control or we will all suffer.”
Dr. Pantheistelli: “How much?”
Me: “60-70%?”
Dr. Pantheistelli: “Wrong Joe. It is so low that it is measured in parts per million. Carbon dioxide composes only 412 parts per million of our atmosphere.”
Me: “But I read it is rising rapidly. This is serious business!”
Dr. Pantheistelli: “It has only gone up 100 parts per million in the past 100 years.”
Me: “But doesn’t that result in a feedback mechanism that causes global warming?”
Dr. Pantheistelli: “Thermodynamic nonsense. If you created a geodesic dome that replicated our atmosphere from 100 years ago and then added carbon dioxide so that the concentration rose to 412 parts per million, how would that cause the temperature to rise even one degree Celsius, let alone five degrees like some scientists are claiming?”
Me: “But the temperature is rising. What happens when the Arctic ice cap melts and the entire country floods?”
Dr. Pantheistelli: “Joe, if the Arctic ice cap melts, the oceans won’t rise one inch.”
Me: “Off course they will. All that ice has to go somewhere.”
Dr. Pantheistelli: “Are you familiar with Archimedes Principle?”
Me: “Was it some Greek play?”
Dr. Pantheistelli: “Marcia was right about you. You’re not the sharpest tool in the shed.”
Me: “No need to insult me Rico. I’m scared. We live in a coastal town.”
Dr. Pantheistelli: “My apologies. Archimedes Principle states that when ice is immersed in water, the weight of the ice is equal to that of the water it displaces. The practical application of this is that even if the entire ice cap melts, the level of the ocean will stay the same. If you don’t believe me, get a glass of water, put an ice cube in it, put a rubber band around the level of the water and come back two hours later. You will find that the ice cube is melted but the water level has not risen. ”
Me: “But even if that’s true, what about all the glaciers falling into the ocean from Greenland? That will cause the oceans to rise, won’t it?”
Dr. Pantheistelli: “A hundredth of an inch at most – literally a drop in the bucket. You have to understand that in the past, Greenland had fewer glaciers but the ocean levels were about the same as they are now.”
Me: “But Greenland is 85% covered with glaciers. Are you sure?”
Dr. Pantheistelli: “Joe, why do you think it is called Greenland?”
Me: “Because that is where the environmentalist movement was founded?”
Dr. Pantheistelli: [Audible sigh] “No Joe. It is because it used to be green. In fact, global cooling occurred naturally around 1,000 years ago causing Greenland to be covered with glaciers. It destroyed the Vikings’ farmland and that’s why they became raiders.”
Me: “Why did that happen?”
Dr. Pantheistelli: “Because the climate is always changing.”
Me: “So those glaciers just formed naturally?”
Dr. Pantheistelli: “You don’t think it was because Greta Thunberg’s distant ancestor talked Leif Erikson into giving up his Lear Jet to decrease his carbon footprint, do you?”
Me: “Rico. You’re being ridiculous and you still haven’t answered my question: How did President Biden get the climate to change so quickly?”
Dr. Pantheistelli: “Because he and his staff resumed the Climate Change Dance.”
Me: “What?”
Dr. Pantheistelli: “The Indians were ahead of their time. Their rain dance was actually a climate change dance. And while ineffective in most areas, it worked for the Piscataway tribe which once inhabited the area near the presidential retreat, Camp David. It just so happens that if you dance in the nearby woods, you can change the climate. The problem is that President Trump refused to do so, causing global warming. But President Biden is doing so with his staff, and now the planet is cooling.”
Me: “How does this work?”
Dr. Pantheistelli: “It just so happens that dancing at that particular spot causes the iron-nickel core of the earth to resonate. This tilts the earth’s axis away from the sun. Thus the suns’ rays are dispersed over a larger surface area causing global cooling.”
Me: “Fascinating. And that explains it. But does Marcia buy that? She has a very analytic mind. That’s why she became a cardiologist.”
Dr. Pantheistelli: “She’s skeptical. But she likes the result. She used to work seventy hours a week and all hours of the night saving lives. Now I make five times what she made by consulting with woke corporations on how to improve their environmental image. So she spends her time gardening, birding, tooling around town in her BMW SUV and playing bridge with the ladies.”
Me: “Well it’s nice to know that Marcia married such a productive guy.”
Dr. Pantheistelli: “It’s a great gig. A great gig. Next time you’re in California, give us a call. We’d love to have you over for dinner.”
Me: “Will do. But what if there is a brown out?”
Dr. Pantheistelli: “Nothing to worry about. We just purchased a gas generator with an eighty gallon tank. Enough to power our 5,000 square foot house for at least a month. We’ll be fine.”
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