America is confused. Just a few weeks ago, we were being told by our betters to social distance and wear masks for our own protection from the coronavirus. But when the riots began after a police officer murdered George Floyd, our betters no longer enforced rules on social distancing, as rioters were standing less than six feet apart while hurling bricks and Molotov cocktails through store windows.
Being a Republican and not from the party that understands “science” and “data,” I decided to investigate this issue further. Fortunately for me, my medical school roommate interned at Johns Hopkins with Dr. Sidney Ribostone, who went on to receive the Nobel Prize in Medicine in 2012 and is advising our political leaders on how fight this virus. Thus, I was able to set up a Zoom interview with Dr. Ribostone at his Duke University office.
Dr. Ribostone and I exchanged pleasantries and as a liberal Democrat, he was surprised a supposedly-educated fellow physician like me could be a Republican. But we quickly got to the issue at hand. Below is a slightly edited transcript of our conversation.
Me: “You don’t mind if I call you Sidney.”
Dr. Ribostone: “No problem Joe. We are fellow physicians.”
Me: “Sidney, several weeks ago I went to the beach in my home town of Fairfield, Connecticut with my daughter and granddaughter. We put down a beach towel and within five minutes, we were accosted by a police officer with a bullhorn informing me that beach towels were forbidden. I thought about questioning the officer about the epidemiological evidence for this policy but since he was half my age, twice my size and carrying a gun, I decided against this approach and folded up the beach towel. I did not want to end up like poor George Floyd.”
Dr. Ribostone: “Smart move. But the good officer actually did you a favor. My research indicates that the double-weaved cotton in beach towels prevents heat from emanating from the hotter sand diminishing the temperature of the rectangular cuboid formed by the thermal mass over the towel. The virus is attracted to this cooler thermal mass and had the good officer not warned you, you would have inhaled the coronavirus and been infected.”
Me: “That was lucky for us. But I am still confused. The policy has now changed. Not only are we permitted to use beach towels, but now our political leaders allow looters and rioters to stand less than six feet apart. It makes no sense.”
Dr. Ribostone: “It makes perfect sense Joe. I recently had a Zoom meeting with the mayors of the large cities. They were concerned about the exact same problem. In fact, Mayor Bill De Blasio of New York City was considering restricting the number of looters to fifteen a store. Mayor Eric Garcetti of Los Angeles was wondering if he should require the rioters to use hand sanitizers in between the hurling of bricks and Molotov cocktails. I told them they have nothing to worry about because the virus has mutated. It is no longer contagious.”
Me: “What caused the virus to mutate?”
Dr. Ribostone: “Donald Trump’s poll numbers.”
Me: “You’re losing me Sid.”
Dr. Ribostone: “It’s really quite fascinating Joe. You have to understand the President’s voice is ubiquitous and even the coronavirus is subject to it from the televisions of infected households. Normally, the frequency of his voice is 90 Hertz with an average 63 decibel level. But when his poll numbers tanked after the riots started, his voice became shriller and louder, raising the frequency to 98 Hertz and the decibel level to 67. These two factors resonated in a synergistic fashion on the covalent bonds between the nucleotides uracil and cytosine in the virus’s RNA genome resulting in a mutation that rendered the coronavirus non-contagious.”
Me: “I thought it was because these political leaders were just petty tyrants who enjoyed harassing church goers and small businessmen but changed public policy to mollify their base when the riots began.”
Dr. Ribostone: “Not true. They are dedicated public servants. In fact, Governor Tom Wolf of Pennsylvania was so impressed with my research that he ignored social distancing rules and joined a protest himself.”
Me: “How silly of me.”
Dr. Ribostone: No offense Joe, but since you are not from the Party of Science, this type of thinking may be unfamiliar to you.”
Me: “No offense taken. I’m really getting an education here. Listen. We will be in North Carolina in six months and we would like to take you and your wife out to dinner.”
Dr. Ribostone: “That would be nice but I am partial of the 2012 Chateau Lafite Rothschild. The price would be prohibitive.”
Me: “Could be a problem. When Biden wins, the market will crash and we will be drinking Boone’s Farm.”
Dr. Ribostone: “That won’t happen. Biden has received huge contributions from Wall Street and when he starts kowtowing to China and allowing undocumented immigrants to lower the wages of the working class, corporate profits will skyrocket. We’ll be fine. The white upper middle class always wins no matter who wins the election.”
Me: “You are not only a brilliant doctor but also a philosopher.”
Dr. Ribostone: “Listen. I have to run. I have to prepare for interviews with Rachel Maddow and Anderson Cooper. They understand science and love my research.”
Me: “We’ll be in touch.”
Dr. Ribostone: “Stay safe.”
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