March 4, 2017
Liberals wake up every day with a recurring nightmare: Donald Trump is President of the United States. But then they turn on the television, look on their computer or pick up a newspaper and see that it’s true! Then they go to bed, hoping the bad dream won’t recur. But when they wake up; there he is again. What to do?
They have tried everything to delegitimize him beginning with Jill Stein’s recount, intimidating electors and protesting at his inauguration. Hollywood awards ceremonies are nothing more than contests to see who can bash President Trump the best. Late night comedians spend entire monologues insulting him and his family. After downplaying the atrocities of the Russian government for decades, the liberal media now concoct a scandal-du-jour about how Trump’s campaign colluded with the godless Commies.
Middle America has looked at these antics with bemused curiosity while quietly going to work and raising their families. Coal mines are reopening, the stock market is booming, corporations are investing in America, consumer confidence is at the highest level in twenty years and the percentage of voters who think American is the right track is up 10 percent. But now the liberals have come up with a cunning strategy that could undermine Trump’s presidency – witchcraft. They are being led by singer Lana Del Rey.
A coven recently met (If you don’t believe me click here) and uttered the following incantation while burning a candle and an unflattering picture of Donald Trump:
Hear me, oh spirits
Of Water, Earth, Fire, and Air
Demons of the infernal realms
And spirits of the ancestors
I call upon you to bind Donald J. Trump
So that his malignant works may fail utterly
The good news for President Trump is that the witches are not playing hardball yet. Note the use of the term “to bind.” This means the demons of the infernal realms are specifically ordered not to do any physical harm to the President, rather to use means “so that his malignant works may fail utterly.” While the incantation is somewhat vague, this could include having the demons disable his Twitter account (although this may actually help the President) or having New York Times columnist Paul Krugman write a pro-Trump article, which would immediately cause the President’s popularity to plummet 30 percent.
The problem for the President is if the covens decide to unleash what is called a “hex.” Then the demons then have carte blanche to harm him. This is serious business.
The President’s Chief of Staff Reince Priebus convened a cabinet meeting to handle this crisis. Some of the conservative Christian members such as Ben Carson and Betsy DeVos suggested forming a prayer circle to counter the covens, but Steve Bannon recommended that the President issue an executive order to have Lana Del Rey burned at the stake. The President, a marketing genius, opined they could put the event on Pay-per-view to raise money for his 2020 reelection campaign.
Attorney General Jeff Sessions objected, pointing out that Common Law made this problematic. He cited a case in Fairfield, Connecticut where after months of careful deliberations, a jury decided to have an obvious witch executed. Everything was proceeding as planned until some liberal judge threw out the conviction because of a lack of “due process.” (If you think I am making this up click here). Thus it was decided to have the witches rounded up for being illegal immigrants. While the Attorney General thought this would be thrown out by the courts too, it would be possible to keep the witches in detention centers for months until they had their hearings, thus making convening further covens impossible.
It may well be that the witches decide to back off. They are having a spirited internal debate as to whether transgender warlocks can use the witches’ bathrooms. Then there is the argument as to whether transgender warlocks should be able to ride side saddle while learning how to fly their brooms. Purists consider this to be bad form. Thus, some witches see wisdom in the President’s policies. But for the time being, witchcraft seems to be the best approach the liberals can take to undermine the Trump presidency.