October 12, 2016
One of my daughters was asked by her corporate co-workers who her favorite football team is. Michelle has no interest in football and said so. But her colleagues persisted and she, like the dutiful daughter she is, said it was the Pittsburgh Steelers.
“Dad, I had immediate respect.”
Exactly. Being a Steeler fan gives one elevated social status. It places you in an elite class of clear thinkers who exude confidence and good cheer. You’re a member of the Greenwich Yacht Club, The Porcellian Club at Harvard, Skull and Bones at Yale. You can trace your ancestry to Plymouth Rock. Who cares? I’m a Steeler fan.
The existence of Steeler Nation, a loose confederation of Steeler fans across the country, has confounded sociologists for decades. It has been widely assumed that the Steeler Nation is a product of the diaspora of fecund Steeler fans from western Pennsylvania. There is some truth to this, but it does not account for our numbers. But now new evidence has come to light.
Primary care physicians, psychiatrists and social workers across the nation have realized that converting their patients to Steeler fans greatly improves health by reducing stress and anxiety. Thus, the need for medications for hypertension, depression and other ailments are reduced.Dr. Benjamin Walker of Anchorage Alaska recently published a letter in the Archives of Internal Medicine stating that he counsels his patients with erectile dysfunction to become Steeler fans. Since doing so, he has not written a Viagra prescription in two years. Dr. Cheryl Seltzer, a psychotherapist from Fargo, North Dakota, became frustrated treating the women who were victims of domestic violence with useless group therapy. When she decided to counsel them to become Steeler fans, the rate of domestic violence against her patients plummeted to zero. Unfortunately, local authorities forced her to discontinue her therapy when a suspicious increase in wood chipper sales correlated with the mysterious disappearance of the abusers.
But it was not until a recent study from Duke University, published in the prestigious American Journal of Psychiatry, proved these anecdotal findings.Toddlers were randomized into five groups and were required to wear football jerseys from the Pittsburgh Steelers, New England Patriots, Dallas Cowboys and New York Jets. The fifth control group wore normal attire. These toddlers were then assessed for various landmarks and personality traits at three month intervals.
The results were illuminating. Children attired in Steeler jerseys radiated self-confidence and worked well with others. Those wearing Cowboy jerseys immediately had inflated opinions of their abilities while under-performing in pre-school. The children in Patriot outfits outperformed all groups in reading and mathematical aptitude, but it was discovered they figured out how to download an app with the test answers.
There was not enough data to determine the final parameters in those with Jets attire. The researchers concluded that it was unethical to allow the toddlers to wear Jets outfits as they immediately became constant whiners who were impossible to toilet train.
Thus if you are disgusted with the present political climate and no longer wish to watch Bill O’Reilly, Rachel Maddow, Chris Matthews or listen to the idiotic ramblings of Karl Rove, become a Steeler fan. Not only is it good for your health; but there is nothing better than firing up a Partagas, sipping on some XO Hennessy Cognac and watching Big Ben, Le’Veon Bell, James Harrison, Antonio Brown and the fourth person of the Blessed Trinity, Mike Tomlin obliterating some hapless opponent on your big screen TV.